Having alot on my shoulders lately and feeling weighed down by it all. It's probably the end of semster agitation in the building of the pressure of passing this semster. I have just finished two rotations on med surge and although it was tense I refused to back down to nurses or my instructor. There are times when I question can I do this? What am I thinking? Then out of know where I get a compliment from my patient stating that I have given them the best care since their admission. When all I did was provide them a warm blanket, listen to them when they voiced their complaints and provided some type of entertainment at the cost of myself, usually tripping over my feet. Lately, my anxiety has increased ten fold where my heart has become an issue of late. There are times when I just have to sit to calm down from unseen threat that my body has deemed their. It has gotten to the point where my mother in law sent for her sister in CA to do therapy with me. In my reluctance I agreed figuring what the hell. I had to laugh a little, because the setting of therapy was like that of office space the movie. Except my therapist didn't keel over with a heart attack. I was kind of hoping for that no caring attutide about nothing, except it opened pandoras box for me. I was confronted with things that I wasn't ready for much less reveal to her even though everything said was in confidence. What it can down to was the single idea that I am inadquate. Everything ties into that one single annoying concept. So now dealing with the open wounds of therapy, my family is dealing with the soon coming death of my grandparents. Which is a problem I am to tired to talk about it now. Perhaps I will finish this thread at a later time, I am being called.

One Words

I had a few hours to myself yesterday and it was lovely! Aaron took Sienna over to grandmas and that was that. So what did I do with such precious time? I cleaned for a few minutes then realized what a dummy I was for pissing away freedom. I found myself in my much loved art room. My room, where I use to write, sketch and read when I didn't want to be disturbed. It was such a zen like feeling that I couldn't help but pour myself a glass of wine, and just sit still for a moment. It was then my attention got caught by a book that I had bought over a year earlier and hadn't opened the cover. It was one of those how to books to enhance creativity. I couldn't help but smile to myself. It's so typical of me, got a problem? There is a book to fix it. I am a book whore and my art room would convict me of just that. I sat back and got lost in how to build creativity and self confidence in the world of art. One word kept popping up like an unwanted ex professing his love for me, the word I fear. Practice. Yup one word, books upon books saying the same thing. Practice. Why do I fear it? Another word. Commitment. This entry is a word game! Yes, I am afraid of commitment. Why? Yup thats right another word. Failure. There I said the F word. FAILURE. Why would I fear that? Two reasons really, failure if I put in all that "Practice" and my creativeness amounts that to a three year old, or failure of succeeding because I have and still am wasting time one something that could have transformed my life in some way. Damned if you do damned if you don't, kind of thing. So what did I do, I went back to cleaning. When I am faced with the truth I usually turn from it and pretend I didn't see it. Funny thing is, that never works. Its like that annoying itch that never goes away and you just can't quite reach it. Realizing that to deny myself the pleasure of creating something, anything is denying myself to live. So what if I fail, its the act of doing that gives the strength to overcome such words as practice, commitment, and failure. It was then I got inspired to take action. I focused on getting my art room back and ready so when those few moments of free time happen, I will be able to cash in on the opportunity of expression.

*The picture of the lighthouse is my first attemp with watercolors.*

Replacement Killer

For the longest time, I have always thought I had a good relationship with my mother. It wasn't until recently that I had to take a long look at this and realized that everything was not as "peachy" as I had once thought. In a sad way, I find some strange humor in it. It seems like all the funny sayings that relate to controlling mothers or mother in laws have found its way into my world. I guess it was always there, but I just never thought i could relate so well after these past few months, perhaps even years. Where to begin...



Its true when you are blessed with your own child, you start thinking of ways on how best to raise them. The most common thought is "I will never raise.....like my mother or father did to me...." I found that I am no different. The one thing that I am hellbent of making sure my daughter has is a good sense of self. Far to long I have felt the effects of what a negative self esteem can do. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE to have my daughter feel the same way about herself. I believe that your parents are largely responsible at the beginning to shape the way you view yourself, they provide you with the stepping stones on how to interrupt and use what life has given to you. There are always exceptions to the rules. However in the beginning, I find it is definitely nature vs nurture. The reason I bring that up is because I remember being told by my own mother that she thought of me as just average. I was never bright, athletic or pretty enough. I was just average. I remember how I felt at such a young age at being told this, not to mention at that time other horrific things were going on, but i remember thinking "well that its then... I am just average whats the point of it now." I guess I look at my own daughter and shake my head at how "unaverage" she is. She is perfect, with temper and all. I refuse to set a block in her world that has the potenial to define her sense of self in such poor permis. She is spectacular! Granted she has a spectacular temper and hell bent on doing something when her mind is set on something. Enough said on that...

Back to mother...



Ever since my parents have moved into their dream house, I have watched them change into people that they hated from where they use to live. Its keeping up with the Jones's and appearances are now more so then what they were. Again, perhaps I am now seeing this for the first time and its always been there.

My cousin is getting married and has moved out by them. My mother just adores her. She is a great kid, but now somewhat annoying because now I am being compared to her. On the outside you would think she has is together, but you put the magnifying glass on and you will see the dirt. I guess what I hate most is to hear how they are always together talking. Usually that means gossiping. So when I get home I get to be the one watching the "knowing glances" being passed between them. To put it on the line, She is the daughter my mother wanted. She has the perfect house, husband and career and did I mention she is very pretty. She has the Greek in her that makes her stand out. I love her dearly and I am proud of her myself. Its just my mother makes it hard sometimes. So now I get to look forward to a wedding in Sept that I KNOW my mother will compare it to mine, which that is a whole another blog in itself.

All in all it is what it is. Its one of those things you really can't call out because you will look like the one that has the issue, and maybe I do. My issue is I am just as good, but I am for what ever reason being punished for the unpardonable sin of moving to Maine...like that isn't bad enough.

Do-Overs

Ever really wondered what it is all for? Have you wished that you have been granted one "do-over" in life? Would you even use it? I had a few friends over this past week, one of whom I really enjoy having a conversation with because he asks interesting questions. Sipping on our drinks he asked me if I would do it all again, would I use a do-over in life. Of course I thought in an immediate reaction to his question yes I would, but the more I thought about it the more my hesitancy grew. To do it all over again, that would mean I would be erasing my character that I have today. Granted there are times without a moments hesitation I would have made better decisions, picked better friends, and aimed higher then I did. I guess that sounds like I would use a do-over! But when it comes down to it, because I chose in areas poorly, I also chose wisely in others. Even if I used a do-over it isn't a guarantee that I would make better choices. It would be a new slate, that would inevitably be tarnished with bad decisions. Hindsight is always 20/20, and is a blessing and a curse. After much consideration, I said no I don't think I would use a do over. I am what I am today because of the decisions and experiences, I would erase my character rather it would be better or worse on a chance of something that is a maybe. The more I think about it, we do have a do-over. Every morning I wake up I have a do-over. A chance to try something different to learn from past mistakes and to aim higher is what each day is presented with. Such possibilities is what makes up life. A trail and error so to speak. So I do a do over every time I crawl my lazy ass out of bed. What can I do that is better then yesterday. What goals have I set for myself. I am trying not to do the old cliche of 'where do you see yourself in 5years' for some reason I think that is a set up for failure to me. Its all I can do to get through the day with the things I want to accomplish. (especially if you have a child that is in constant need of attention!) So my do-overs are short, day-by-day experiences. Of course I day dream of what it would be like if I never married, or had a kid. I see friends of mine with great career success and envy them just a little. I have always thought that would have been my path. I guess it takes a certain kind of strength to be the different one, and continue down the road that I have chosen. All in all, life is a constant do over, how we chose to use these is entirely up to us. Good, bad, or ugly the responsibility is ours alone.

A Sad Story

It amazes me that the world we live is so full of evil that its even possible to coexist with it. I am referring to the worst evil, the evil that takes the life of a child. I was greeted with the sad story of a two year old that froze to death in nothing but a -shirt and diapers. Apparently, the father, (not sure it was his real daughter) woke up and left the bedroom and the 2yr old followed him. I guess the 2 yr saw that this man was molesting the other daughter, and when the man realized he was being watched punched the little girl out cold and took her body and left it somewhere. The sad thing is that the little girl woke up to this freezing cold, and walked to a park where she died from the cold. My heart is enraged! Words cannot express the venom I feel at this! The mother woke up and asked the guy where her baby girl was and he told her that someone kidnapped her. The story fell through and the boyfriend confessed. I cannot imagine the pain that this mother is going through or the guilt for not protecting her little one. For a while this has just put me in such a rotten mood. I actually cried for this little girl, what a way to end. Such evil in this world horrifies me. To have it happen to an innocent child, there is no forgiveness in it. To this man that committed this great sin, I hope that justice will be served ten fold. To the little girl's family, my thoughts and prayers are for them.

Dreams

Ever wake up in the night with your heart pounding, sweat on your forehead, and wondering what the hell was that? For the past week or so I have had dreams of tornados. Now, don't laugh, but I have always seen these types of dreams as a premonitions of sorts. It all depends on my reaction to them that determines what is to come. Lately they have been on the dark side. The one I had last night was awful!
I was in some hotel and I looked into the sky and everything was black. Not the black you see in a normal sky, but black that sucks all light from it's presence. I watched in horror as not one, but several came down at once. I remember feeling the power of them and running from the room calling out my daughter's name. I couldn't find her. The room was shaking and the noise was snuffing out my screams. I turned around to see Sienna playing by the door that I had just closed. Fear gripped my insides as I lunged for her. As I reached out to grab her, the door flung open revealing that the place or room I was in was no longer on the ground but swirling mad in a sea of blackness. My eyes locked onto Sienna's back and timed slowed. Everything I had in me went into the effort of grabbing my daughter before she was taken from me. It wasn't going to happen, not my baby girl. I felt relief close on me as I felt the familiar of my daughter nuzzled into my breast as I bent around her protectively. Never my daughter! I opened my eyes to see the tornado still had us in it's grip. But I was no longer frightened. I had her safe, it was okay now.
I remember riding it through and I don't remember how I got back on the ground, but I was there with my daughter. Still looking at the sky, marveling at the tornados around me. I remember seeing the destruction happening to others around me. Houses were ripped from their resting places, papers cutting through wood and in the midst of it all I was untouched. I felt sorrow, I began to cry. I had my daughter, that was all that mattered.......
.......................................................I woke up