Replacement Killer

For the longest time, I have always thought I had a good relationship with my mother. It wasn't until recently that I had to take a long look at this and realized that everything was not as "peachy" as I had once thought. In a sad way, I find some strange humor in it. It seems like all the funny sayings that relate to controlling mothers or mother in laws have found its way into my world. I guess it was always there, but I just never thought i could relate so well after these past few months, perhaps even years. Where to begin...



Its true when you are blessed with your own child, you start thinking of ways on how best to raise them. The most common thought is "I will never raise.....like my mother or father did to me...." I found that I am no different. The one thing that I am hellbent of making sure my daughter has is a good sense of self. Far to long I have felt the effects of what a negative self esteem can do. I refuse, absolutely REFUSE to have my daughter feel the same way about herself. I believe that your parents are largely responsible at the beginning to shape the way you view yourself, they provide you with the stepping stones on how to interrupt and use what life has given to you. There are always exceptions to the rules. However in the beginning, I find it is definitely nature vs nurture. The reason I bring that up is because I remember being told by my own mother that she thought of me as just average. I was never bright, athletic or pretty enough. I was just average. I remember how I felt at such a young age at being told this, not to mention at that time other horrific things were going on, but i remember thinking "well that its then... I am just average whats the point of it now." I guess I look at my own daughter and shake my head at how "unaverage" she is. She is perfect, with temper and all. I refuse to set a block in her world that has the potenial to define her sense of self in such poor permis. She is spectacular! Granted she has a spectacular temper and hell bent on doing something when her mind is set on something. Enough said on that...

Back to mother...



Ever since my parents have moved into their dream house, I have watched them change into people that they hated from where they use to live. Its keeping up with the Jones's and appearances are now more so then what they were. Again, perhaps I am now seeing this for the first time and its always been there.

My cousin is getting married and has moved out by them. My mother just adores her. She is a great kid, but now somewhat annoying because now I am being compared to her. On the outside you would think she has is together, but you put the magnifying glass on and you will see the dirt. I guess what I hate most is to hear how they are always together talking. Usually that means gossiping. So when I get home I get to be the one watching the "knowing glances" being passed between them. To put it on the line, She is the daughter my mother wanted. She has the perfect house, husband and career and did I mention she is very pretty. She has the Greek in her that makes her stand out. I love her dearly and I am proud of her myself. Its just my mother makes it hard sometimes. So now I get to look forward to a wedding in Sept that I KNOW my mother will compare it to mine, which that is a whole another blog in itself.

All in all it is what it is. Its one of those things you really can't call out because you will look like the one that has the issue, and maybe I do. My issue is I am just as good, but I am for what ever reason being punished for the unpardonable sin of moving to Maine...like that isn't bad enough.