Falling Forward

I am at a tough place right now. I just failed out of nursing school by 1.2% and left wondering what happened. It is strange, because I never thought that I would ever be in a situation like this. Failing isn't a thing I am used to, so learning to deal with this is an ever-pressing issue is pissing me off. I am told that I should fight harder. To be honest, the fight left me long ago. For awhile I just have been going through the motions not really being there in the moment. Finding that there are two sides in me fighting to emerge, but restrained by ethical or moral issues that outline what people should be or do is slowing draining my spirit. I guess the tip off was seeing a picture of my former self that was full of life and confidence and a hell of a spirit, and I realized that I am so far removed from that person that I can't help but feel more depressed then ever. So maybe this break from nursing school is the chance I need to find that person again, if not for me but for my daughter who will look to me for influence. I guess there is some fight left in me that refuses to lie down quietly and die. I feel her in there screaming to take life back and that it will get better. I guess what it comes down to be that I am punishing myself for unseen sins that I am guilty off. I know that I have not been true to those around me that I love, I have caused such pain in getting revenge and lost people along the way for cheap fun. Well you know what I am tired of "punishing" myself. I know others aren't loosing any sleep in the afflictions they have dealt to me. I am tired of being "polite" and the "nice" one. For once I want to get my bitch on and not care. I am tired of worrying about what others think of me, I am tired of apologizing for who I am. I guess this is a good thing breaking from nursing school, because maybe I need to learn that I am a good nurse and not to be such a pussy in decisions that I know that I am right in. You want to know the weakness that kept coming up in my evaluations in every single rotation? Self-confidence. Interesting that those two little words have been the thorn in my side since HJA! Well fuck that!! Fuck them and fuck you! I am tired of it. So if I am going to fall I will fall forward and show those mother fuckers that I am worth something and that I am a better nurse, artist, and well just all around person. So when I look into the mirror, I can be proud of what’s looking back.

Autumn

In the early morning, my ever faithful companion that lets me know his bladder is full arouses me. His cold nose instantly nudges my hand in a vast number of attempts to get me out of bed. I am comfortable, not wanting to move. I have my child that is silently nursing, and my husband curled around me. Between the two I am comfortable, yet the cold nose persists. With a sigh I break away from my warm cocoon, and begin to dress for the cold assault that awaits me down stairs. Hoping I have button the right buttons and didn't miss any along the way; I go to meet my eager friend that is already by the door. Opening the door my senses are assaulted by the smell of rain. The cool air caresses my face in greeting and I become more alert. For once I am not rushing Jubei to do his business, but rather take the time to inhale deeply the scent of autumn. Always around this time of year, I become more alive. The leaves have not fully changed yet, which I am glad. I always felt that the best part of autumn is rushed when the leaves change to quickly. I like to savor the change in away. The reds, oranges and yellows are slowly peeking out through the green, hinting at the beautiful show that is about to begin. As autumn takes the stage, I wait with anticipation and hope that the overture of autumn goes by slowly. I feel the familiar cold nose at my hand again, I guess it is time to go in.

A World Without Stars

I just got done watching a television show that for some reason caught my attention. It was one of those discovery moments that you were forced to watch when you were a kid in a classroom setting. For some reason I could not bring myself to change the channel, call it boredom or the fact that there wasn't anything else to watch at the moment. I came away from the program feeling I just learned something. Imagine that, TV was my teacher to night and I didn't have to pay for the hourly rate. Well okay maybe except the cable bill that always finds the way to my mailbox come hell or high water.
Okay its time for me to go a little nerdy here but I thought it was interesting. Okay maybe I am the only one who found interesting.
The question was, is the universe an infinite entity or will it collapse on itself. The theory that the scientist started out with is that during the big bang elements or planets were scattered in all direction. However, at some point things have to slow down because gravity works in away that keeps everything together or pulls things backward. They wanted to see if the galaxy was slowing down and then they could pinpoint if a collapse would happen or would things keep expand at a slower rate thus the infinity part. To figure this out they had to find a certain star that they could measure the light that it gave off. However, the problem was that the star had to be a certain type, it had to be a super nova. To make this short they figured out how to film these novas and they found out that instead of the universe slowing down it was speeding up. Apparently they discovered an outside force that in my terms is sucking up the stars us included. Now of course we won't be around to see that day, but I found it interesting that the stars we see now will someday not be there. And if by some miracle if humanity hasn't blown itself up, they will have nothing but a black sky to look into. Sort of depressing if you think about it. This is supposed to be the discovery of the century. The problem is I don't believe in the big bang theory. I have a hard time thinking that everything thing just happened. You look at the body and you see that chemistry has to be a precise in order for the body to function. A big bang theory is more like closing your eyes and hoping for the best. It seems to me that when you look at things objectively one might think that things were laid out or planned. You can't build a house out of sand just because it’s there. There has to be structure, something to hold it up and withstand time and whether. I guess you can call me a creationist, but will we ever find the answer or is that life? A constant search to prove our existence or our intelligence? I am not sure.... But I do know one thing; it will be a sad day for those who live in a world without stars.
Man I am hungry!....