Falling Forward

I am at a tough place right now. I just failed out of nursing school by 1.2% and left wondering what happened. It is strange, because I never thought that I would ever be in a situation like this. Failing isn't a thing I am used to, so learning to deal with this is an ever-pressing issue is pissing me off. I am told that I should fight harder. To be honest, the fight left me long ago. For awhile I just have been going through the motions not really being there in the moment. Finding that there are two sides in me fighting to emerge, but restrained by ethical or moral issues that outline what people should be or do is slowing draining my spirit. I guess the tip off was seeing a picture of my former self that was full of life and confidence and a hell of a spirit, and I realized that I am so far removed from that person that I can't help but feel more depressed then ever. So maybe this break from nursing school is the chance I need to find that person again, if not for me but for my daughter who will look to me for influence. I guess there is some fight left in me that refuses to lie down quietly and die. I feel her in there screaming to take life back and that it will get better. I guess what it comes down to be that I am punishing myself for unseen sins that I am guilty off. I know that I have not been true to those around me that I love, I have caused such pain in getting revenge and lost people along the way for cheap fun. Well you know what I am tired of "punishing" myself. I know others aren't loosing any sleep in the afflictions they have dealt to me. I am tired of being "polite" and the "nice" one. For once I want to get my bitch on and not care. I am tired of worrying about what others think of me, I am tired of apologizing for who I am. I guess this is a good thing breaking from nursing school, because maybe I need to learn that I am a good nurse and not to be such a pussy in decisions that I know that I am right in. You want to know the weakness that kept coming up in my evaluations in every single rotation? Self-confidence. Interesting that those two little words have been the thorn in my side since HJA! Well fuck that!! Fuck them and fuck you! I am tired of it. So if I am going to fall I will fall forward and show those mother fuckers that I am worth something and that I am a better nurse, artist, and well just all around person. So when I look into the mirror, I can be proud of what’s looking back.